January 17, 2009

Things I Learned From Cosmo This Morning

Before I say much else.........I want to be sure I state that I normally never read Cosmo. It generally just doesn't have anything to teach me. I know how to treat a man, I know how not to treat a man and lets face it, that's really about all they offer isn't it? Well, that and alot of stinky perfume samples.

Anyway, I have NO idea why i picked this magazine up but I felt brain cells dying each second I thumbed through it. 16 pages in, it all became horribly clear. I suddenly knew for sure why I never buy it. On the right side of page 16 there's a list titled "Things I didn't know til this issue", if you're impressed with this list, you're a regular reader lol. For those like me who normally don't read it here you go, you can thank me, I just saved you $3.

Good smells encourage happy dreams while bad smells may cause nightmares
(Ummmmm, really? This must be why when Diesel has gas and is sleeping next to my bed I dream about my stalker having a twin and wake up laughing that TWO people that stupid exist. I do concede that it's a little scary though, but not really nightmarish)

There are more than 300 pressure points in your ear making it a prime erogenous zone.
(i know this is supposed to be sexy but i can't help wondering who counted the pressure points and unless your Dumbo, how can this be possible? There's just not that much space to work with. Besides that, who plays with ears to be sexy? Not sure i believe this one but i'm sure i won't be trying it either. I have an ear wax phobia)

Liposuction is the most popular type of plastic surgery among men. mostly for love handles
(That's an outright lie. The most popular plastic surgery for men is sending their women to go have mountains attached to their chest.)

Women who binge drink are 5 times more likely to carry gonorrhea than women who don't drink.
(Seriously? Someone needed Cosmo to teach them this? Your health teacher taught you this for FREE a long time ago!! It's not exactly rocket science. Excessive drinking=Excessive sluttiness=STD's.)

You consume 35% more food when you eat with someone you like.
( so..........wanna lose weight? Eat with someone you hate! You'll eat less and you'll stay so pissed off all the time that Xanax will be a welcome friend. Just be sure not to fork them in the middle of dinner. I don't think the authorities will accept "the Cosmo Diet" as a viable or sympathetic defense)

There..........do you feel smarter now? I don't but it feels nice to have made fun of someone who makes more than I do to impart "important" information.

Nessa



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