April 9, 2010

Holy Moly, I've done it now!

I think my desire to help people has finally gotten me into trouble. About 2 months ago my daughter came to me crying because one of her friends, John, was being kicked out of his home and had nowhere to go. Since it was a guy,that was a good reason to say "NO WAY" til I was clear there was nothing at all romantic about their relationship. Basically all I could think was "what if it was one of my kids?". That of course is what convinced me to help.

I called this boys family and asked WHY he was kicked out before I let him come here. They assured me he wasn't really kicked out, it was just that there was no room for him where he had been living and that he was supposed to be staying with another relative. Apparently the other relative was told by her landlord that she was the only one on the lease and would have to move if she allowed her grandson to stay there with her. Soooooooo, I made a decision to help.

Keep in mind I asked both relatives I spoke with if there was anything I needed to know about the young man. They both said no. They stated that he was helpful, well behaved and hard working. They lied!

At first he seemed okay. He likes to help clean up........I can't say that bothered me a BIT lol. But then I started noticing other things. He was almost obsessive about using the computer. I thought at first it was just his age but soon realized he was having cybersex with married and single women he met on facebook apps. I discovered quite by accident when I saw a different chat client on the screen and happened to look closer just wondering what it was. It looked cool lol. Well it did til I saw certain phrases on it anyway. Then I just walked around in a daze for about 30 minutes. I personally think that sort of thing is disgusting and a bit stupid but I also know a lot of people do it. I think what bothered me the most was that he was doing this with all of the rest of us in the room with him. I just think that's creepy as hell. Maybe it's just me.

The next thing that started getting to me was the fact that he and my daughter argue constantly. In all fairness neither are innocent as to who starts the arguments, but once i've stepped in and stopped them, he waits til I leave to confront my daughter and take the opportunity to call her names and be a jerk. Then when I get home and Ash tells me what happened, he denies he said what she says he did and acts all innocent. I really thought Ashley was starting it when I left til my 14 year old told me what he heard and it was definitely not Ashley causing the problem.

It was after this revelation that I found out that John is Bipolar. That explains an awful lot. The cleaning sprees, mood swings and inability to control urges all suddenly make sense.

Just so it's clear.........It's not the fact that he's bipolar that has me going crazy. It's that I can't figure out how to handle it or how to get him to understand what is required in this household. He seems to have a developmental issue as well that causes him to think more like a 12 year old than a 20 year old. This is probably explained by the fact that he was in CPS custody from 12 til he was 18, he's not on medication, his father is in prison for raping John's sister and his Mother according to John is a "crack whore". There are also serious inbreeding issues in the family it seems according to John but he stretches the truth a bit so who knows if that's true or not.

Basically I'm lost. I'm doing everything I can to try and help him. We've taken him to look for jobs. We've taken him to family functions. We're literally trying to show him we are willing to help him with anything we can but the more we help the worse he acts. Yesterday he decided HE doesn't have to wear a seatbelt and proceeded to stick his upper half of his body out the window while going through town so he could taunt my sons in the truck behind us. We'd already had a discussion or 2 about wearing seatbelts so he knew this was a no no plus hellooooooooo, it's a state law!!! I removed his computer privileges for the rest of the day for that one but again, he's 20! I shouldn't have to do this should I?

I swear sometimes it feels like I've taken in a 5 year old. He gave out my 14 year old sons cell number to strangers on the internet. One of those people is someone he was having cyber sex with. That was dealt with and he was no longer allowed to use facebook or it's apps or even Tyler's phone. As a matter of fact, facebook is now blocked on all computers except for mine.

When it was clear he just moved his sexual conversations from facebook to myspace he was again punished by having his computer time per day reduced to 30 minutes per day. He continually went over the time limit and would get mad at me when he was called on it and act like he was being mistreated or something even though he is very clear on the reasons the punishment was handed out.

His newest thing is contacting any boys that my daughter talks to and trying to tell them that they can't talk to his "sister" anymore. Something which has infuriated Ashley to no end. John has started "dating" one of Ashley's former friends via myspace. They haven't met face to face yet. When he first moved here he was dating a girl from the town he came here from. Ashley has been cussed out, talked about and even threatened by these girls over the fact that John lives here with us. Ash has told them she wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole and wants NOTHING to do with him but they just don't get it. She won't allow him to use her phone anymore because of this and the fact that these "girlfriends" seem to think that they can demand that Ashley give John her cell phone so that they can text and talk to him all day. Ash has just enough of her Mom in her to tell them just where they can stick their demands but we're having to change her cell phone number so that they can no longer call Ashley.

Bottom line, I am just absolutely going nuts. I don't know what else to do here. I don't feel that kicking him out is the right thing to do but I also don't know how much more I can take. Is there a better way than others to deal with someone who is bipolar? Is there nothing I can do? At the end of the day it's my own kids I need to protect but does this mean he's a lost cause if no one can get through to him?

I've tried to take him to get help at the county mental health agency but they won't help until he has a letter denying him for medicaid which just delays the process and the potential to get help. Anyone have ideas? Better yet..anyone have experience? I just don't know what to do anymore.


1 comment:

Beadwright said...

First of all I commend you on wanting to help this boy. However, he is not your responsibility. I am with you his family lied to you. I can see where he is disrupting your family and it is time to ask him to leave. I don't see anything good coming out of this for him, you, and especially your own kids. A person can only do so much for others but remember you and your family does have to come first.