September 24, 2010

I Forgive You

I've been doing a lot of thinking the last couple weeks. Due to a great deal of issues going on right now things have been rough. I can honestly say without the support of my sisters, a few other family members and my boyfriend, who have all been very supportive I might have lost my flippin' mind. Luckily they have been there to listen, let me scream, vent, cry, etc. It's not just me that they support but it's they're help in my part of the situation that's benefited me. The rest is not my story to tell so I'm leaving that part out for now.

Despite their support, I still haven't been able to sleep lately because I made a very hard decision to walk away from someone I have never and will never understand. I thought I made my peace a long time ago to accept that this person is human and therefore is as bound to make mistakes as anyone else. While I still accept that........I've also come to realize that I'm also very angry and i'm tired of being angry. For so long, I have bottled so much up. I pretended I wasn't hurt and that I didn't see the differences but it's time to stop pretending and to start forgiving. That's the only way I'll get any peace again. Letting the anger eat at me certainly will not. So despite the fact that this person will never likely see this I have a list of things I have decided to set aside.

It is not my intention to embarrass anyone, nor call anyone out. This is for MYSELF and no one else. I am trying to be intentionally vague about the person's identity, however I have no doubt at all that they will know exactly who they are. That's not my problem any longer.

So That goes........

I forgive you: for not having any clue as to what the word "truth"means. I know it is a difficult concept for you, though I don't have any idea as to WHY that may be so.

I forgive you: for making me feel like a pariah of some sort because of your hatred of my blood father. It's not a choice I made myself. I'd have chosen better quite frankly but treating me as you did because of my paternity was cruel. How could you? and Why only me if he is indeed the father of my sisters too? Why was *I* singled out? Regardless, I forgive you.

I forgive you: for taking me away from the only people I never questioned in their love for me. My Dad, grandma and grandpa were so very important to me as a child and listening to you malign them and lie about them even to this day is very difficult for me. How can you be the ONLY person allowed to make a mistake and there never be a consequence yet others must suffer for years?

I forgive you: for beating down my self esteem. For telling me when I was 7 and I saw my sisters all dressed up to have their pictures taken, that my picture would not be taken with them because you didn't think my pictures were worth paying for. I wasn't "photogenic" enough. I remember feeling as if I could prove you wrong when you relented because I cried and had mine taken alone so that I wouldn't mess up my sisters "cuteness". Then when they were ready listening to you say "see? this was a waste of money" hurt me all over again. It's not as if you believed me when I tried to tell you about the kids at the school picking on me, or maybe you just didn't care enough to do anything about it. Oh I know there were times when you'd say things like "you'll grow out of this awkward phase", but what I needed most from you was to know that I was beautiful to YOU. Regardless, I forgive you. it took me til I was over 30 to WANT my picture taken and only then because my little boy said "Mommy please let me take your picture, you're beautiful" for me to realize my ability to take a good photo or lack thereof wasn't important. My baby boy loved me and WANTED that picture, by God who was I to say no just because you didn't deem me worthy as a child?

I forgive you: for letting me basically be a Mom by the time I was about 10. If not for that experience I might never have learned to find ways to make very little food stretch to feed my listtle sisters and then for my own kids later on during hard times so that they were full and not constantly hungry.

I forgive you: for preferring a man and his problems over others who needed you. Had I ever seen you really stand up for yourself and walk away from a very bad situation, I might have known how to make better decisions for myself when I grew up. Instead I watched you beg a jobless drunk to stay, no matter how bad things were, no matter that we were always in a whirlwind of problems because of him, I forgive you.

I forgive you: for not hating his child as much as you hated me because of who my father was, even though my father never did anything like the man you so adored and fought to keep despite how toxic he was.

I forgive you: for every single time I've heard "Oh you're at the hospital with (insert kid's name here). Damn I already took my medicine, or i'd come up there" and "I'd come up there but I know you get more worried If I show up" . You could have just said you didn't want to come and been truthful. No one ever got more "worried" if you were there. You know very well that it was helpful to know that support was there for me or my sisters if needed but you needed an excuse to make yourself feel better for not caring enough to leave the house. I hope it eased your mind to tell yourself that.

I forgive you: for all the years I lost with my sisters because I couldn't just talk to you and tell you why I was making the decisions I made. For not being able to feel like you would stand by me even if you disagreed with me.

I forgive you : for telling the officer that came to take another abuse report that you couldn't understand why my husband even cared if I left him or not because "I'm no farrah fawcett". You could have just slapped me and I couldn't have been more surprised over that one, regardless, I forgive you.

I forgive you: for never taking any blame at all in anything you ever did. For blaming everyone else and claiming it's all their fault that you did the things you did.

I forgive you: for trying to turn me against family members and outright lying about them to try and get me to see things your way even now. As hurtful as that has been for me all the years you've done it, I can't imagine what it's been like for you to keep up with those lies and convince yourself they're all true because you've told them so many times. I also can't imagine how it must feel to hate so much and never forgive.

I forgive you: for not forgiving anyone their mistakes but always expecting to be forgiven.

I forgive you: for not being able to face a truth you already know exists. I know the things you have said in the past and I know in your heart that you know the truth. You know what you did, what you said, what you covered up, what you refuse to acknowledge outloud and until YOU can face it, there will never be any healing for anyone.

I forgive you: for only being proud of someone who will never be anything but a drain on other good hard working people, and not being proud of those of us who genuinely aspire to be better than we were raised. Those of us who work rather than letting the government hand us everything.

I forgive you: for the lies you are telling about me now to cover the fact that you are just unwilling to admit that you created a problem and now that problem has become mine to an extent. Tell whatever you need to tell to ease your conscience , It's God I will face and his judgement alone is all I care about. I know for a fact, that despite the mistakes I did make, I've made far less than the 2 of you and I'm more than okay with that. Better than that.......I admit mine freely.......I do not lie or cover them up to make myself sound better. That way I don't have to remember the lies and live with them. Life is just too short for that.

I forgive you: for not even caring that me and my kids have walked away from you. I doubt you have even noticed the kids being gone. The ones who have stayed, if any, simply don't know about your latest round of lies, so don't get your hopes up too high that they forgive you too. I simply chose not to enlighten them for their own peace of mind. it was obvious you needed not to be burdened with pretending you cared or believed in us and we've left you with the one you wanted to keep. I genuinely hope that works okay for you. If nothing else they'll want money or christmas presents and it will be okay in the long run. It's not just me that's noticed it and i'm not the only one astounded by it but I accept that that *I* made the decision to walk away for my own sanity. Your hate for others who have done nothing to you is toxic and exhausting. As much as it hurts, I know I made the right decision.

I forgive you: formaking everything about you when it suited you not to face something

I forgive you: for never getting hugs or "i Love you's" just because. That has also affected my life with my kids and it kills me. They know I love them, they damn sure know better than I ever did, but because I never had it, I forget to say it or do it. I vow today that will change forever. I will make sure to say it every single day and to hug them more even if I have to chase them down.

I know some of you will read this and know exactly who I am talking about and I am sorry in advance if it upsets you or you deem it to be inappropriate, cruel, or disrespectful. In my defense, you have no idea the hell I am going through and that's only because I have tried to maintain my dignity and composure through this whole ordeal as i try to guide myself and my kids through it. I hope that you will take into consideration who you know me to be and will try to understand that this is my attempt to heal and move forward. I'm not asking anyone to feel sorry for me. I don't want anyone to take any sides and never have.

All I want is to have some peace for once in my life and if it helps me to finally get some of this off my chest then i hope you'll try to understand and simply pray for me and my family. I am desperately trying to put this in God's hands and ask him to let the truth show through so this nightmare will be over but that has proven futile because I can't understand other aspects of the situation. So if you pray for me, please pray for understanding.

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