December 20, 2010

I Miss My Granny

I've learned a great deal in the last year. All of which was right before my eyes my entire life, and all of it I chose to ignore for the most part. It was easier to turn a blind eye than to face the facts. Sometimes that's okay. Sometimes to get through life the best thing to do is fight the battles you might win and try not to worry about those that you know you can't. We're supposed to put to put it all in God's hands and let him handle it but that is SO much easier said than done.

More than anything I have really been trying to just get my life back since all this crap started. I've tried to forgive the lies and the disgusting people behind them. I've erased them from my life the best I can. I've gotten rid of their pictures, anything they gave me, and erased them from anything I have online. They just don't exist anymore. That might seem harsh, but you aren't living through this situation. For a few of them it was really hard because I genuinely love those 3 people. The other 3, well it gets easier and easier every single day. Some it wasn't all that hard for at all since I have always felt suspicious of them and worried about their actions. I used to feel bad about this, really beat myself up for it, now I know, I was right and while I feel sorry for them to an extent......I only wish I had protected my family better. Lesson learned.......I'll go with my gut from now on and keep people that bother me away.

Over the weekend though I started thinking about the whole situation and what would make it all go away and give me and my sisters some peace. I decided the only sure fire thing that would work is My Granny.

My Granny passed away many years ago. When she was alive, it didn't matter what was going on in the family, she ruled with an iron fist and as far as I know, no matter what her kids were arguing about, she didn't take sides. Whether they were right or wrong, she genuinely loved her kids and she did the best she could. She didn't put up with liars, she didn't put up with anything really. She was one tough lady. Sometimes I have to say, maybe she was wrong for NOT taking sides, but a Mother's Love is supposed to be endless and unwavering. I honestly believe hers was. She knew things that were not okay and I don't think she pushed anything under the rug. I think she just did what she could to deal with it and then she did what she could to protect us from any problems. No matter what though, we were a family. Warts and all. My Granny loved her Grandkids and she loved her own kids. It was that simple. Now, I admit, that there are things I probably don't know, but what I am positive of is that no matter what was going on with the adults, she did not allow it to affect us grandkids, so family, if you read this and see an error, keep that in mind please. THAT'S what *I* remember.......Granny kept us out of it.

When she passed away, that all kind of ended. Granny wasn't there as a buffer anymore and much of the family just drifted away from each other. Lines were drawn and some were on one side, it seemed like me and my sisters were always on the other. We just never knew why. We were told we were basically despised because we were poor and didn't have the nice things the others did. We were told our Aunts and Uncles didn't want us around. We only realized later, recently in fact, that the main reason we weren't around them was probably because they weren't willing to put up with lies and BS to be around our Mom and she knew it. They weren't shy about calling her on it. So rather than try to do better and stop lying, she chose to turn us against the rest of the family.

Sadly, Lies were to become a pattern that shaped most of our childhood. Lies both enhanced and destroyed our lives as far back as I can remember. They're definitely destroying us now.

Enhanced when we went to church and our alcoholic stepmonster lied to everyone there and they tried to help us while he took advantage of them at every turn. It was so embarrassing to watch him lie about not drinking knowing there was vodka in the tea he was sitting there drinking with them. Enhanced when he pretended to get hurt at work so he could sue the company for settlements so he didn't have to get a regular job. He much preferred staying home to abuse my sister, drink all day, steal money and pretend someone else broke in, cheat on our mother, run off with other women he met at work when he bothered to find a name it. He even shot himself in the arm once to get out of going to work and filed a false police report about it. He really was a total piece of crap and our Mother just adored him. Still does I think. Considering she has a better husband than she deserves now, that's even more sad than the fact that she let us be raised the first monster.

Anyway, back to why I miss Granny. She called a spade a spade. One memorable example involved the stepmonster. Ever so often he'd tell the whole family about how he had stopped drinking and had been sober for months. Granny always seemed to be listening but you could see she wasn't buying it. One holiday, not sure which, he told this story again. He was telling this while many people were all sitting there at the kitchen table playing cards or dominoes. I remember sitting at the bar and seeing Granny suddenly sit up a little straighter while he finished his latest "ive been sober this " ___" long story. She finished the hand and told everyone she'd be right back. We all watched out the huge kitchen window while she went outside and walked straight to our family's car. She opened the door and pulled Mr Sober's bottle of Vodka out from under the front seat. She came back in the house and she sat at that table, commenced playing the game and drank every single drop right in front of him. She never called him a liar, she didn't say a word to him about it. She just drank it. It was so funny watching him sit there almost drool and not be able to say a word. What could he say?

Why is this important? Because if my Granny was here today, this nightmare would be over already. She would have yanked the liars up and made them tell the truth. She would have made sure that our Mother acted like a Mother and didn't play both sides. She'd have called her on it and made her do the right thing when she tried to do otherwise. She have made the people involved including myself remember that no matter what we are ultimately a family and we deal with the good and the bad.

What she would not have done.........she wouldn't have tried to force my sister to apologize to a liar and someone who has threatened to lie to have my sisters kids removed forbeing willing to tell the truth in order to stay with her during a medical emergency. She was mad at my Mom many times, but she NEVER turned her away that I can remember. She chewed her out, but she was there for her. Granny would have let my Mom come there in a heartbeat in order to be sure that us kids didn't have to face a scary medical situation all alone. She might have ONLY done it for us kids if she was really mad at Mom, but she would have done it regardless.

She would never not check on her grandkids. Our Mother has not called or contacted ANY of mine or my sisters kids in months! It's almost Christmas........not one word! What did the kids do? Fine, be mad at us for standing on the side of the innocent person, but what did the kids do? I guess they have to be punished too? Granted me and my sisters don't want any of us or our kids to be around certain people for very good reasons, but she hasn't even asked if the kids could come the day before or the day after the other people will be there. How can she just not care about them at all?

Not that me and my sisters did anything wrong mind you. We're defending someone innocent, she's defending someone even SHE professes to be lying! I still have the damn email that says "everyone knows he didn't do anything and there's nothing to worry about, but "insert liars name here" cries every day over all this because she doesn't know what to do". (She SHOULD be crying, she's just like her dad! I;d cry too! ) In that same email, she called my youngest sister and her Mom trash and demanded I stop speaking to them. THAT'S why i walked away from her, it wasn't some stupid message she put on facebook that I couldn't have seen anyway lol. I blocked all the trash and have never unblocked them. Helloooooo?? I couldn't take the judgements anymore. I couldn't take the lies anymore. I couldn't take the stories she was coming up with about how this other person came over and cried because "she knew she handled everything wrong but didn't know how to fix it" to try and trick the other sisters into coming around that person.

That's the funny thing. We have ALL those emails. All the changing stories and all the times that our Mother declared someone absolutely innocent until the very day I said I'd had enough and told her I was done with her. Even after that she emailed 2 more times saying the same thing. When she got answers she didn't like, then and only then, she changed sides but to other family members she STILL professed the innocence of the accused person. We have all the emails printed out and screenshots done as well just in case! So while certain people gloat..........they should think about that a little bit. My sisters and their kids are hurting ONLY because they either believe in an innocent person or they are too young and don't understand how our family has been destroyed by lies.

Yes, me and my sisters told her that WE wanted nothing to do with her, we didn't say she couldn't call her Grandkids. Well 2 of us didn't, one may have. I'm not sure, but why wouldn't a caring Grandparent at least try? She simply doesn't care about them enough to bother. It's easier to sit in her little world and pretend that she never did anything wrong. That we all are just bad and she is innocent. She's Not......period. She's not a monster mind you, she's just got problems.

It hurts in a way. Mostly i'm pissed that my sister was terrified yesterday and our Mother is a nurse. She knows allergic reactions can be fatal but she only wanted to get her way. She cared nothing about my nieces and nephews, her own grandkids! She cared nothing about her daughter. She just wanted to see if there was a way she could get at least one of my sister's to be there for Christmas so that the others didn't see for sure that we aren't kidding when we say we refuse to be around some of them. They probably don't care for the most part really, but the few innocent ones will see a definite change and I feel sorry for them.

The good thing is that my sister is okay. When she was told she had to apologize for doing absolutely nothing wrong, she snapped to her senses and realized she was having a bad reaction and dealt with it. I hurt for her that our Mother did that to her though. I've dealt with this crap for years, and I know my sisters are strong people. We know we are doing the right thing in staying away because of certain people, but it doesn't mean it is an easy decision.

That's why I miss Granny. It never would have gotten to this point if she was still here. We wouldn't HAVE to make these choices. The innocent kids wouldn't be feeling unloved and uncared for by their Grandma. They wouldn't have to be told that we are going to have our own Christmases from now on that don't include some cousins they want to see and their grandparents. Make no mistake, me and my sisters are doing everything we can to show the kids that they ARE loved, that things are just different and that the kids will have better more meaningful Christmases from now on, but they are still kids. We can TELL them their granny and PawPaw love them, but what they know for sure is they haven't seen them and they haven't called them.

Unfortunately, I have to face the fact that Granny can't fix this. Granny is probably up there in heaven, keeping a score card of how many times we're all going to be bonked upside the head when she sees us again. I can live with that, I know she knows the truth too and i have a lot less bonks coming than some others do. The good thing is there will be love in every smack. That's a hell of a lot better than we're getting from our Mother. Granny wasn't perfect, but no one other than Pawpaw would have dared to tell her so ;)

*To my sisters- Once again.......I wish there was a way I could fix this for you and your kids. I would do anything I could other than put my own kids in jeopardy and I know you wouldn't ask me to do that. I'm so sorry that your lives are altered because of all this. I know for sure, without question that your faith and support is not wasted. The truth will eventually come out and it will be exactly what we believe it to be. I don't know how, I don't know when, But I know in my heart it will happen. In the meantime, just know I love you both dearly and that without you, as well as your spouses, i'd have lost my mind through all this. You've been the absolute best little sisters I could have asked for and we'll get through this somehow. Thank you for listening to the tears, the anger, the sadness and being willing to take a stand. I know that there are other issues than the one you know I am talking about, and i hope you know that as much as you have been there for me, I am there for you too when it's time to get the answers you seek.

Granny, go ahead and put another mark next to my name......I know you might not like what I've said, but it's the absolute factual truth and I wish with all my heart that It wouldn't even have to be said. I miss you.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

A man is only as good as what he loves.