Nessas Place

I've been doing a lot of thinking the last couple weeks. Due to a great deal of issues going on right now things have been rough. I can honestly say without the support of my sisters, a few other family members and my boyfriend, who have all been very supportive I might have lost my flippin' mind. Luckily they have been there to listen, let me scream, vent, cry, etc. It's not just me that they support but it's they're help in my part of the situation that's benefited me. The rest is not my story to tell so I'm leaving that part out for now.

Despite their support, I still haven't been able to sleep lately because I made a very hard decision to walk away from someone I have never and will never understand. I thought I made my peace a long time ago to accept that this person is human and therefore is as bound to make mistakes as anyone else. While I still accept that........I've also come to realize that I'm also very angry and i'm tired of being angry. For so long, I have bottled so much up. I pretended I wasn't hurt and that I didn't see the differences but it's time to stop pretending and to start forgiving. That's the only way I'll get any peace again. Letting the anger eat at me certainly will not. So despite the fact that this person will never likely see this I have a list of things I have decided to set aside.

It is not my intention to embarrass anyone, nor call anyone out. This is for MYSELF and no one else. I am trying to be intentionally vague about the person's identity, however I have no doubt at all that they will know exactly who they are. That's not my problem any longer.

So That said..........here goes........

I forgive you: for not having any clue as to what the word "truth"means. I know it is a difficult concept for you, though I don't have any idea as to WHY that may be so.

I forgive you: for making me feel like a pariah of some sort because of your hatred of my blood father. It's not a choice I made myself. I'd have chosen better quite frankly but treating me as you did because of my paternity was cruel. How could you? and Why only me if he is indeed the father of my sisters too? Why was *I* singled out? Regardless, I forgive you.

I forgive you: for taking me away from the only people I never questioned in their love for me. My Dad, grandma and grandpa were so very important to me as a child and listening to you malign them and lie about them even to this day is very difficult for me. How can you be the ONLY person allowed to make a mistake and there never be a consequence yet others must suffer for years?

I forgive you: for beating down my self esteem. For telling me when I was 7 and I saw my sisters all dressed up to have their pictures taken, that my picture would not be taken with them because you didn't think my pictures were worth paying for. I wasn't "photogenic" enough. I remember feeling as if I could prove you wrong when you relented because I cried and had mine taken alone so that I wouldn't mess up my sisters "cuteness". Then when they were ready listening to you say "see? this was a waste of money" hurt me all over again. It's not as if you believed me when I tried to tell you about the kids at the school picking on me, or maybe you just didn't care enough to do anything about it. Oh I know there were times when you'd say things like "you'll grow out of this awkward phase", but what I needed most from you was to know that I was beautiful to YOU. Regardless, I forgive you. it took me til I was over 30 to WANT my picture taken and only then because my little boy said "Mommy please let me take your picture, you're beautiful" for me to realize my ability to take a good photo or lack thereof wasn't important. My baby boy loved me and WANTED that picture, by God who was I to say no just because you didn't deem me worthy as a child?

I forgive you: for letting me basically be a Mom by the time I was about 10. If not for that experience I might never have learned to find ways to make very little food stretch to feed my listtle sisters and then for my own kids later on during hard times so that they were full and not constantly hungry.

I forgive you: for preferring a man and his problems over others who needed you. Had I ever seen you really stand up for yourself and walk away from a very bad situation, I might have known how to make better decisions for myself when I grew up. Instead I watched you beg a jobless drunk to stay, no matter how bad things were, no matter that we were always in a whirlwind of problems because of him, I forgive you.

I forgive you: for not hating his child as much as you hated me because of who my father was, even though my father never did anything like the man you so adored and fought to keep despite how toxic he was.

I forgive you: for every single time I've heard "Oh you're at the hospital with (insert kid's name here). Damn I already took my medicine, or i'd come up there" and "I'd come up there but I know you get more worried If I show up" . You could have just said you didn't want to come and been truthful. No one ever got more "worried" if you were there. You know very well that it was helpful to know that support was there for me or my sisters if needed but you needed an excuse to make yourself feel better for not caring enough to leave the house. I hope it eased your mind to tell yourself that.

I forgive you: for all the years I lost with my sisters because I couldn't just talk to you and tell you why I was making the decisions I made. For not being able to feel like you would stand by me even if you disagreed with me.

I forgive you : for telling the officer that came to take another abuse report that you couldn't understand why my husband even cared if I left him or not because "I'm no farrah fawcett". You could have just slapped me and I couldn't have been more surprised over that one, regardless, I forgive you.

I forgive you: for never taking any blame at all in anything you ever did. For blaming everyone else and claiming it's all their fault that you did the things you did.

I forgive you: for trying to turn me against family members and outright lying about them to try and get me to see things your way even now. As hurtful as that has been for me all the years you've done it, I can't imagine what it's been like for you to keep up with those lies and convince yourself they're all true because you've told them so many times. I also can't imagine how it must feel to hate so much and never forgive.

I forgive you: for not forgiving anyone their mistakes but always expecting to be forgiven.

I forgive you: for not being able to face a truth you already know exists. I know the things you have said in the past and I know in your heart that you know the truth. You know what you did, what you said, what you covered up, what you refuse to acknowledge outloud and until YOU can face it, there will never be any healing for anyone.

I forgive you: for only being proud of someone who will never be anything but a drain on other good hard working people, and not being proud of those of us who genuinely aspire to be better than we were raised. Those of us who work rather than letting the government hand us everything.

I forgive you: for the lies you are telling about me now to cover the fact that you are just unwilling to admit that you created a problem and now that problem has become mine to an extent. Tell whatever you need to tell to ease your conscience , It's God I will face and his judgement alone is all I care about. I know for a fact, that despite the mistakes I did make, I've made far less than the 2 of you and I'm more than okay with that. Better than that.......I admit mine freely.......I do not lie or cover them up to make myself sound better. That way I don't have to remember the lies and live with them. Life is just too short for that.

I forgive you: for not even caring that me and my kids have walked away from you. I doubt you have even noticed the kids being gone. The ones who have stayed, if any, simply don't know about your latest round of lies, so don't get your hopes up too high that they forgive you too. I simply chose not to enlighten them for their own peace of mind. it was obvious you needed not to be burdened with pretending you cared or believed in us and we've left you with the one you wanted to keep. I genuinely hope that works okay for you. If nothing else they'll want money or christmas presents and it will be okay in the long run. It's not just me that's noticed it and i'm not the only one astounded by it but I accept that that *I* made the decision to walk away for my own sanity. Your hate for others who have done nothing to you is toxic and exhausting. As much as it hurts, I know I made the right decision.

I forgive you: formaking everything about you when it suited you not to face something

I forgive you: for never getting hugs or "i Love you's" just because. That has also affected my life with my kids and it kills me. They know I love them, they damn sure know better than I ever did, but because I never had it, I forget to say it or do it. I vow today that will change forever. I will make sure to say it every single day and to hug them more even if I have to chase them down.

I know some of you will read this and know exactly who I am talking about and I am sorry in advance if it upsets you or you deem it to be inappropriate, cruel, or disrespectful. In my defense, you have no idea the hell I am going through and that's only because I have tried to maintain my dignity and composure through this whole ordeal as i try to guide myself and my kids through it. I hope that you will take into consideration who you know me to be and will try to understand that this is my attempt to heal and move forward. I'm not asking anyone to feel sorry for me. I don't want anyone to take any sides and never have.

All I want is to have some peace for once in my life and if it helps me to finally get some of this off my chest then i hope you'll try to understand and simply pray for me and my family. I am desperately trying to put this in God's hands and ask him to let the truth show through so this nightmare will be over but that has proven futile because I can't understand other aspects of the situation. So if you pray for me, please pray for understanding.

I've been thinking long and hard the last few days about mental health issues. I won't go into why. I don't feel that it's my story to tell but I can definitely say it's affected my life. Not like you'd think though. I can't honestly say that someone being mentally ill hurt my life, not their disease anyway. It was the refusal to acknowledge it that hurt my life. I won't say it's their fault that they didn't get help. They did reach out finally and get diagnosed but the diagnosis was never accepted by others in the family that could have made a difference. So the person was left feeling as if they couldn't honestly discuss what they were going through. I can't totally say I'm innocent here. I didn't believe the diagnosis either. I thought as usual that the person was just trying to get attention or needing drama. It didn't occur to me til much later that the person who I thought was just an attention-whore or drama queen really was in fact needing help and had been for a very long time. The things that irritated me the most about them were signs of mental illness.

Now I can say I didn't deny this person's disease because of any shame. I don't see things that way. I think personally that if someone has a mental disease, be it borderline or full blown that it's nothing to be ashamed of. It's a chemical issue in the brain and has no reflection on my family or our genes, my ability to pick friends, or anything like that. It's NOT a stigma except when others make it one. I denied it because as I said, I had seen it my whole life and thought it was just that someone needed a serious time out and some need to take responsibility for their actions. It didn't occur to me that this person wasn't always refusing to do so, sometimes they COULDN'T.

It's no better or worse than cancer. It's no better or worse than Parkinson's. It's no better or worse than anything that affects a persons daily life. In fact, the afore mentioned diseases get sympathy. People in general don't make fun of cancer patients. They do make fun of people with mental disorders though. I know I have from time to time myself. Not in a mean way necessarily, except in relation to my stalker, but it's sill not okay.

I think this is why it's not widely accepted. Just as I did, we chalk odd/bad behavior up to bad parenting, a child being spoiled and never growing up, or just that someone is a bad person in general. It's easier to accept that than it is that the person cannot help themselves because a well adjusted person sees things as more black and white. You either exhibit good behavior with good morals or you don't. A person with a mental disorder might very well have those same values in their own mind and may even show perfectly reasonable responses to other people most of the time, but other times they're views are skewed. They think they are acting just like anyone else would. They may or may not realize at those times how others view them, but no matter what they can't stop themselves.

I watched a show the other day on Investigation Discovery talking about a woman who was killing her teenage daughters and forcing her sons to assist her in their beatings before they were murdered. To everyone in the community she was a normal Mom who came to the school parties, attended the PTA meetings, worked with people daily and never triggered a red flag in any one. No one knew that this same person had actually done something like shooting her daughter then doing surgery on her herself to avoid an investigation. She nursed her daughter back to health and then killed her later anyway when the girl asked to go on a date. The Psychologist on the show said that in most cases these people might be doing horrible things in private but they know in public that they must exhibit normal behavior and so they do. That might seem like the person could also then choose to make normal choices in other things too but apparently it doesn't work that way. Their brain doesn't work like that. Now of course this is an extreme example but this was just someone with a borderline personality disorder. You have to wonder if she had sought help or if a loved one who did know how she acted at home had done more to help her, would those girls still be alive?

According to The National Institute of Mental Health , approx 26.2% of Americans 18 or older suffer from some type of mental disorder. Some people may even have more than one type of disorder at a given time. That means that more than a quarter of American adults have some type of mental issue! Mental disorders are also the leading disability in the United States. I find that staggering since I know for a fact that this only represents those that seek help. I can tell you off the top of my head of at least 10 people I've known in my entire life that need help but will never admit it and they will never seek assistance because they feel it somehow makes them a bad person or less than others. Can you imagine how much better their life could be just admitting there's a problem and seeking help? The sad thing is that people like I used to be, make it harder for them to do so.

You know when you hear someone is bi-polar, you might feel bad for them, but you whisper it to others who don't know. Or when you see someone in the store who's obviously having issues, that you look at them funny and walk away faster. I have, I can admit that. It's that sort of behavior that makes it harder for a person to seek the help they need. They don't want to be made fun of. They don't want to be whispered about. They don't want to feel shamed. In most cases they WANT to be better but just can't because we as society don't always understand.

I'm vowing today that I will be more accepting. I will act as God has called on me to do and be a good neighbor, good friend, good Christian. I will not make it harder for someone to be accepted or make them feel uncomfortable about their problem. I will do my very best to be the person they know they can turn to in bad times knowing they will not face judgement or have their business whispered about later. I know I am just one person, but anyone who reads this......consider doing the same yourself. Accept that the brain is a mysterious organ capable of many things, not all of them good and that just maybe the person who really irritates you, could be a victim who needs help, not someone to be shunned.

Just a thought.

Nessa

Ever since we moved we have come up with a new issue that I am just not sure how to handle. We have mail coming here for at least 6 people who used to live at this address but no longer do. Why these people wouldn't just change their address and have their mail forwarded is beyond me but they haven't. It's annoying to check the mail box and have this huge stack of junk only to find ONE item out of 20 belongs to anyone in my house. I've heard that some of these people are basically hiding from CPS and law enforcement from another state and that's why they haven't changed their information but I have no idea about the validity of that statement.

Our neighbors claim that they have stayed in touch with these people and they want me to start giving all this mail to them. Normally that'd be fine with me but I was told by a postal worker that I could be charged with a felony because I am technically interfering with the mail system if I do that. I don't know about anyone else but I'm against felonies being charged against me. While I'm deciding how to solve this problem I have just been sending the mail back to the senders about once a week, but the mail person keeps delivering it anyway. I guess there's something about "Please return to sender, addressee no longer at this address" that's just not understandable by my local post office. I'd like to say this surprises me but alas I cannot.

The worst part of this is that even though I have repeatedly asked them not to, my neighbors are continually checking my mail for these other people and taking things out of my box. I cannot say for sure that they are stealing MY mail, but they shouldn't be in my mailbox anyway! I hesitate to press charges or throw a fit about it but it's getting to the point that I may have to. I've talked to the landlady about the issue and she has told them as well to stay out of my mail but that lasted all of a day. She said if they continue, to call and report it to the police and let them handle it but in the meantime I live next door to them and let me tell you, they're a bunch of rednecks!

I've been looking at mail boxes lately and I have considered buying one that locks. They're not exactly inexpensive but it would definitely put a stop to the issue and i'm sure I could find one that looks a lot nicer than the one I have now. I daydreamed yesterday about seeing their face when they got down to the line of mailboxes after rushing down there to check it before I could and realizing they couldn't check my mail after all. I can't deny I grinned pretty big! Maybe that's the ticket. No more nosy neighbors and less chance of identity theft through a better mail box.

Nessa

It's always nice when something helpful and useful comes along. What never ceases to amaze me is how fast the wrong type of person/company shows up to ruin it for everyone else. I see this a great deal in my local Freecycle groups. There are always people who show up for no other reason than that they're hoping for something free. Then there's the people who show up hoping to garner pity and get things they claim to need such as laptops, tv's, Nintendo's, etc. They always seem to be asking for those for special needs children too. Not saying they're all lying of course, but I mean really.........it's getting to be a bit ridiculous if you ask me. It's gotten to the point lately where i just really don't want much to do with Freecycle at all. It's not the organizations fault, it's not even the group moderators fault. It's some of the people who use it and make it a pain in the butt for those of us who use it for the right reasons. The good thing about Freecycle is that there ARE moderators who try to help keep things running on an even keel. I have come to really appreciate that as of late.

Same thing is happening with Craigslist. Craigslist is an awesome free way to make a few extra bucks and/or get great deals. WAY better than Ebay and the local newspaper if you ask me but like with Freecycle, bad people mess it up. In my local Craigslist there's a big issue with a few companies who just don't seem to get it. I don't understand why Craigslist doesn't do anything about them. Craigslist has a flagging system that is just useless. Supposedly once a post is flagged so many times the post is removed. I DO see that happen but you can't tell me there's no way for Craigslist to say "hey this same account is being flagged on a daily basis, perhaps we should close their account and ban them!".

I heard this morning that they are making millions of dollars with their Adult services section, or were anyway. Perhaps they could use some of that to come up with a better system? For instance, It's ridiculous that everyday the Houston area is spammed all day every day by a company called Fabriplast. It's apparently a low rent shop that has way too much time on it's hands because any other reputable company wouldn't be able to sit and spam Craigslist all day. When people complained to this company about their spamming practices they began posting things about how "they can do whatever they want and no one can stop them", which sounded much like an argument a 5 year old would make and turned people against them even more. Personally if it were me, I wouldn't want to give my company a bad name like this. I'd want to be sure that I had a good relationship with potential customers rather than equate my company with a very unprofessional attitude. Customers are going to go where they feel the most comfortable. I'd personally be afraid to use this company just because they don't seem to have enough work anyway.

This company is not the only offender of course. It's just one of the most annoying. There are plenty others who make Craigslist a pain in the butt. It's not JUST the sellers and businesses either. There's the people who swear they are on their way and never show up. There's the ones who show up and want to buy the item but "forgot" to bring cash and want to write a check. Yeah right! I understand that Craigslist can't help with these issues. I'm okay with that. The spammers though.........that's another story. I feel like Craigslist could do something about it or implement a new system that will get rid of these people so that those of us who use it properly aren't bothered by them. I have a feeling I'll be wishing for that for a very long time though.

I suppose in the long run I'll just stop using the Craigslist service and find something that isn't so irritating to use. It's sad that grown people just can't follow basic rules and use decent manners but apparently not everyone was raised in such a way. Too bad really, but it happens all the time. A good thing comes along and inevitably bad apples show up to ruin it.

Nessa